Dear Squic,
I need to decide what food to cook for a wedding. We have an estimated 200 people coming and I need to make a decision. What should I cook? BBQ? Mexican? See if Wide Tom can cater for it?
Sincerely, Tarnc
Food has a very interesting link with human history. Nearly everyone alive today has eaten something, and some of them a great many things. We take it for granted in most places that blood will be replaced via the natural order of the human condition, that bones will be replaced with newer, better bones, and that delivery dates will be kept. Think for a moment: what if your bone delivery were delayed by unforeseen circumstances? If your meats and appliances were simply taken offline for updates and kept suspended for an indefinite period?
Concerned?
Don’t be.
Modern security prevents the majority of such cases from escalating beyond small isolated populations, and even in the worst case backup recovery has been proven effective at not only restoring bank details, but also several background options with little to no cost to you. Not that money should be the first thing on your mind, there is a wedding going on after all. A selection of meats cooked over a fire (along with several non-meats, and perhaps beverages*) is generally a strong contender. Be warned, however, that with the success of the corndog, food-on-a-stick is now a high-speed high-risk industry. Do not be the first to fall when the burrito-on-a-stick salesman decides to pad their margins.
*Fire-roasting of beverages may be procedurally contraindicated. Check manufacturer instructions.
Dear Squic,
How does one best teach a doggo the ancient technique of Throngling? In slightly more seriousness, how would you advise training a planet’s militia/pirate gang/golf cart factory crew to defend themselves?
With deranged regards, Lord_Grimos
First a point of order. Throngling is more a science than an art, with careful attention given to each subset of the prescribed activities. One must approach the subject with the spirit of learning, prepared with each moment to reach a new level of understanding, in order that one who throngles most may throngle harder, and perhaps better, than those who have failed to throngle at all.
Regarding multi-functional factory lines? The fundamental question to be answered here is: how much are you willing to lose in order to make sure everyone walks away from the table mad?
Personal atomic ordinance isn’t the answer to all of life’s problems, but when you make it clear that EVERY machine in the factory is wired to go not only kaboom, but to do so with the authority that only doomsday weapons can promise, only the very most desperate of fools will be ready to move against you.
We have a word for these people.
Interns.
Take those who have nothing, give them everything, and welcome them to your atomic golf-cart empire.
Mr Squic,
What is Free Corn Thursday?
From IggI the Viking
Free Corn Thursday means a lot of different things to different people. For some, a day of joy and jubilation. For others, an opportunity to make war on an affordable level. In my case, a once in a lifetime offer from The Company**. After working some twelve to fourteen hours out of state in a blizzard and the normal number of feet above the ground on a machine wrought from the bones of industry and powered by the ghosts of death and history, I began my standard end of day shutdown procedures.
Covering controls with protective tree-fibers to keep the local atmosphere from getting to the emergency shutoff AGAIN, removing the do-not-fall harness, all of the normal things one does before pressing on through the snow to the loading dock, climbing the ladder of steel and paint, and coming face to face with a most unexpected assembly.
It would seem, friends, that The Company*** had decided to have a… celebration? That may be the wrong word, but it was clearly the intent, with each employee in this frost-scape invited to take FIVE ears of corn from the [LARGE BOX] in the [FORKLIFT PARKING AREA]. For celebration.
Day two the box remained full.
Day three the box remained full.
Day four I took one corn with me to the hotel room.
I do not recall what happened to it, but I do not have indexed memories of the corn’s removal from the premises.
Huh.
Should any of you, good readers, happen to be in [ALASKA CITY] and happen to find a slightly several-years-old ear of corn somewhere within the room… well. There is only one thing to do.
Obviously.
Ask for a new room, seriously, who the fuck misses a whole-ass ear of corn after YEARS of cleaning in the same room. That is somewhere between negligence and spite and punching out both ends with a hammer.
Also check out Taco King. They are pretty alright.
**Not THAT company
***Still not THAT company, but the notes were similar.
Squic is a standard human with the normal amount of biological material. He contains fluids AND bones, which is considered a desirable combination.
