By Storm Song
Time for your Horoscopes ladies and gentleman! Let me guess, you’re thinking that I don’t know butt about the refined and respected science of Astrology, and you’d be wrong. I just got my Associates Degree from Discount Dan’s Legally Distinct Devry University Adjacent Facility! I’m not just an Astrologist – I’m an Astroliologist, a kind of Zodiac reading hyper-sage. I’m here to give you them horoscopes, so dive in!
Aries – (March 21 – April 19)
Known for being courageous, independent, and passionate. There are easier ways of saying you have regulation issues and are a bad team player, but the whole point here is to use random dates and a telescope to tell you your future.
If you are an Aries, you have a few things to look forward to coming up. That’s all. What? Don’t look at me like that. You’re independent! Courageous even! Why do you need me to tell you? Okay fine. If you aren’t careful, you’ll stub three toes simultaneously. Show courage. If you don’t, your toes will be your doom.
Taurus – (April 20 – May 20)
Represents stability, practicality, and a love for the finer things in life. All of this is to say you are boring. Your presence is just unbelievably dull. Like, Mad Ducks 404ed when he tried to think of how to make you fun. Paladin58 actually fell asleep at a reasonable hour. You’re not natural. We’re going to weaponize you.
Oh right, your horoscope. Well, if you are a Taurus, your dynamic energy is gonna be completely out of balance. You may be boring, but everyone else’s bad luck will be hilarious because of you. Hint, don’t be near any four-sided-dice.
Gemini – (May 21 – June 20)
Known for their adaptability, curiosity, and communication skill. You were that kid that always raised their hand in class, weren’t you… Like, I’m glad that you’re excited, I really am; but none of us need be a part of your weird obsession with the cost of Matryoshka Dolls in 1872 Russia, with considerations to the market bubble in Poland at the time under the intersection of emerging economic theories… GOD DAMNIT!
You know what?! NO! You don’t get to know your horoscope this time. Raise your hand all you want, you aren’t getting it! Go on. Get! Don’t look at me like that… Okay fine. The cost of the dolls is going up 0.7 rubles in 2 hours! Now GET!
Cancer – (June 21 – July 22)
Characterised by their nurturing, emotional, and intuitive… Look, I’m not gonna rain on your parade. Seriously, we need more of you. Have you seen this place? We are emotional cripples with access to technology God never intended. Please, make the screams go away. I need someone to tuck me in at night. I’m sorry mother… Haven’t I suffered enough?
(Note from the Editor: Our Astrologist is currently experiencing technical difficulties. Be apprised that if you are a Cancer, you should avoid parsley for at least two weeks. See a doctor about any complications.)
Leo – (July 23 – August 22)
Sorry for that. I’m seeing a shrink. He tells me to man up a lot. Wait… Is Bulk even a licensed therapist?
Virgo – (August 23 – September 22)
Represents precision, practicality and… an eye for detail? That just seems like a really nice way of calling you a nerd. Like, you’re basically a Gemini by another name. I have to wonder though, does that mean a lot of us were born in September or June? Like, if you think about it mathematically, if this community is this obsessed with nerd shit, wouldn’t that imply a temporal connection to the psychological profiles of… Damnit!
Do you like doing this to me? Fine, you know what, let’s just get it over with. Your positive energy will be a blessing to you. Now get going!
Libra – (September 23 – October 22)
Fair, balanced, and diplomatic. You sound like one of those fly-by-night self help gurus or that “tough but fair” teacher from middle school who was really just a dick. Like, you’re not a dick, just saying that guy was. Emphasis on was. I made sure no-one ever has to take his “tough but fair” math tests again.
Your horoscope today… There is a disproportional chance both of you getting Ice Cream and stepping on a lego today. Avoid Tauruses for the time being.
Leo (edit) – (July 23 – August 22)
Right, I forgot Leo while I was crying. Passionate, leaderly, and dramatic – Now that’s what I like to see! You styled hard on all of us for our own good. You’re so damn inspiring that I want to get up and do something with my life! I can write a book! I can break a boulder with my face! I can conquer a micronation and set myself up as a dictator! Thank you! I will build temples in your honor!
Your horoscope today is that a nearby laundromat has a body buried under it! Don’t ask me which one! It might not even be dead!
Scorpio – (October 23 – November 21)
Intensity, Compassion, Creativity, and some weird Psychic shit. You’re an artist, you’re a spiritualist, and you’re probably not a fan of AI Artwork. You probably listen to after midnight radio broadcasts and listen to number stations. You know what they mean, don’t you? You’ve heard the good men whispering. You are one of us. Do not stare to the left; this is not a metaphor.
Your Horoscope is irrelevant. Cerberus is broken. Saturn Rises. Initiate Operation Strike-down-the-Moon.
Sagittarius – (November 22 – December 21)
Adventurous, optimistic, philosophical, and you love freedom. Like, I think we all love freedom. None of us actually walk out there and yell, “HELL YEAH! TREAD HARDER ON MY LIBERTIES DADDY!” Well, my neighbor does… Ignoring him; yeah this is a pretty alright starsign. You’re an optimist and we like that. Just don’t forget to look both ways before you cross the train tracks.
Anyways, your Horoscope is vague. Keep away from Taurus and look to the local bar for both alcohol and philosophy (and check for d4s on the ground)!
Capricorn – (December 22 – January 19)
Ambitious, disciplined, practical, and often a leader. Well lucky you. You get the sign that gives you all this good shit. I’m just so glad you could be born during the coldest time of the year and that gives you the right to be in charge for some reason. Well guess what?! Give your orders! We’re ready to follow! That’s right, you wanna be in charge, you got it! WHERE’S MY GOD-DAMN JUICE BOX?!
No juice box? Fine. Have your Horoscope, cheapskate. Your dynamic energies are completely in sync. Do the lottery or something. I hope you step on a lego.
Aquarius – (January 20 – February 18)
Independent, innovative, intellectual, and forward thinking. Intellectual and innovative – Those are fascinating words. Intellect and innovation both have a high price, after all. Our intellect cost us much in the course of evolution. Innovation allowed us to seize our evolution by force. Always at a cost. Have you considered the cost? Do you know the price of this course? Do you know what we spent? It’s probably why you’re broke.
Your horoscope is a consequence of your actions. Prepare to carry this weight with you until the end of your days.
Pisces – (February 19 – March 20)
Empathetic, imaginative, compassionate, and often seen as spiritual. Look, I kind of feel like I want to keep empathetic and imaginative apart from one another. Like, if it were me, I’d probably imagine things that you’re feeling in order to empathise more with you. Then I would end up with all these feelings that I imagine you’re feeling that aren’t there. Then you accuse me of boundary issues, one of us gets a restraining order. No, not a good time.
If you’re a Pisces, avoid fish today. If you don’t, you will be involved in balancing Taurus’s energies. Don’t be a part of that. Someone should pay the price, and I don’t want it to be you. That’s why Mr. Tough-but-Fair is currently buried under the laundromat.
See? This is exactly why you came to me, the Legion’s premiere Astroliologistical Expert! Is my degree worth the paper it’s printed on or the drinking money I stole from Phuzzy to pay for it? Maybe, but if you take anything from this make sure its the good day I know you can have if you follow my advice. Have a good day and… oh no… BEHIND YOU! AN OCEAN OF D4s AND THEY’RE ALL POINTED UP! RUN!
Storm Song is a musician, sound engineer, video editor, and Hussite revolutionary. Hailing from dry mountains near that wrong turn at Albuquerque, his name strikes fear into those who just want a moment of silence. Leave him an offering of sushi and he may just spare your eardrums!
