Turn-Key Armageddon.
A venerable ancient of the battlefield.
EPISODE SYNOPSIS
“… we’re going to tackle the undisputed poster boy of violent excess and catastrophic overmatched point-blank throwdown. This is a machine which can produce, on demand, a localized armageddon with one pull of the trigger, and wherever it goes, we know it by its silhouette alone. Tonight we discuss the mighty machine that is the Hunchback.
As a warmachine, the Hunchback is to subtlety in a firefight as House Stiner is to the very idea of stealth as a warfighting concept. And as such, it stands as an eternally cheerful reminder that there is always a far louder way to accomplish mission objectives.”
EXECUTIVE SUMMARY
The Hunchback is not the ‘Mech you want to be squaring off against in a dark alley. A tried and true city brawler of legendary renown. What it lacks in speed and maneuverability, at least compared to contemporaries in the same weight class, is more than made up for in raw firepower and armored fists. Part big gun, part brawling fists, armored to the max, 50 tons of murderous intent.
HISTORICAL BACKGROUND
The raging spirit of this brawler has survived the horrors of nearly every war in which BattleMechs graced the field of combat. Produced in the lead-up to the Reunification War at the behest of the Star League, the prolific Hunchback 4G marched off the assembly lines to fill the vast ranks of the Star League Defense Force in 2572. One by one, they marched forward, and through the years, someone, somewhere, has been producing this machine. So much so that the Hunchback, or one of its numerous variants, has been in continuous production for over half a millennium.
The tale of the Hunchback does not end at the borders of the Inner Sphere. Even at the end of two exoduses, this iconic machine found use within Clan space, to the surprise of all involved, counter to the intended role envisioned by the Smoke Jaguars. Even though the physicality of the machine was frowned upon by the new path tread by the Children of Kerensky, the duelist nature of the Clans embraced the machine’s propensity for overwhelming firepower.
TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS
The Hunchback, in its original configuration, is not the most agile of machines; in fact, the movement profile of this medium ‘Mech echoes that of heavier chassis. Despite a top speed of 64 kph, when placed within the confines of city avenues, thick forests, jungle canopies, and other generally restrictive terrain, the Hunchback shines as it does not require a blistering pace to get the job done. Though, it should be noted: in combat conditions, the Hunchback is a ‘Mech that runs a little on the warm side, and that is with 13 heat sinks. But hey, if you’re not pushing the red line…
Some feel the amount of armor found on the Hunchback to be excessive. To be precise, the ten tons of armor pushes the envelope of what can be supported by its internal structure. These critics cite the protection afforded by the armor as the prime reason that Hunchback pilots may find themselves biting off more than they can chew in a firefight. While they may be correct in some cases, headstrong ‘MechWarriors simply being who they are, there is an equal measure of counter examples. Tales of ‘Mech jocks at the controls of heavier machines, much to their chagrin, underestimating the sheer power of a single type 20 autocannon, a trio of lasers, two medium, one small, and a pair of heavily armored battle fists.
TIMELINE OF VARIANTS
2572
HBK-4G
The original hunch. The Big Iron.
2819
HBK-4H
Capellan “so I started blasting” refit. Big Iron, an AC/20; less armor.
2856
HBK-4J
No Gun, longish range. Pair of LRM10 launchers, five medium lasers, single small laser.
2920
HBK-4N
Small Gun, even more range. An AC/5, two LRM 5 launchers, four medium lasers, one small laser.
2937
HBK-4P
GOD’S CHOSEN ‘MECH. DISCO AIN’T DEAD. ALL THE MEDIUM LASERS (8).
3025
HBK-4SP
Crit Seek Prince. Twin SRM6 launchers, four medium lasers, single small laser.
3039
HBK-4G (Gauss Prototype)
Too much gun? Unable to remain standing due to recoil of rediscovered gauss technology.
3046
HBK-5M
Failed return to tradition. Double heat sinks, AC/20, twin medium lasers, small pulse laser, CASE, not enough ammo.
3057
HBK-5N
Free Worlds League dirty fix to the 5M. Regular small laser, no case, more ammo.
3058
HBK-5S
Norse-Storm (Lyran) overhaul. Endo Steel, CASE, jump jets, light engine, more armor, a LB 20-X autocannon, twin medium pulse lasers, single small laser.
3059
HBK-6N
Manufacture response to the 5N. Less double heat sinks, more ammo, keeps other bells and whistles.
3063
HBK-6S
Crit Seaking King from Coventry Metal Works. Big XL engine, double heat sinks, Endo Steel, LB 20-X autocannon, single SRM6 launcher, and a pair of ER medium lasers.
3064
HBK-5H
Hello from the Marian Hegemony. Ferro-Fibrous armor, an AC/20, two medium lasers, TRIPLE ROCKET LAUNCHER 20s.
3065
HBK-7X-4
Failed Kali Yama experiment. A novel experiment in fortification at the expense of firepower. Only four prototypes were produced.
3059
HBK-5SG
A rare Norse-Storm unit never put into full production. A gauss rifle and twin medium pulse lasers. Stealth armor, ECM suite, and a compact gyro.
3068
HBK-5SS
Another Norse-Storm design. Twin multi-missile launcher 9s, a trio of ER medium lasers, and a small ER laser. Fitted with a heavy duty gyro.
3069
HBK-5P
Free Worlds League upgrade of the 4P. Six ER medium lasers, two medium pulse lasers, 18 double heat sinks, ECM, and a C3 node.
NOTABLE PILOTS
Isoroku Kurita:
The inverse of the adage about those who can’t teach. Commandant of the Sun Zhang Academy, 22 confirmed kills out of 30 engagements.
Shawn Phillips:
Johnny Cash would be proud. Built his Hunchback, “Retribution,” one piece at a time. Similar to the 4SP.
Sandy “Turtle” Porter:
Famous for her Hunchback “Five Chances.” Firing the prototype gauss rifle… resulted in comical outcomes.
Michael Gai:
Dispossessed after losing his Victor and relegated to the infantry, won his Hunchback “Never Again” in a game of rock paper scissors.
John “Big Foot” Bailey:
Corporate security turned deniable black ops asset. Infamous for leading a raid that “liberated” hundreds of tons of Capellan stealth armor.
TEX TALKS BATTLETECH is a fan-based parody/attempt at education for a setting that deserves much love. Battletech, Mechwarrior, and all other material are owned by CGL, Topps, Tornante, PGI, their various subsidiaries, and a million shareholders (though not harmony gold, fuck those guys). No challenge to their ownership status is being made or intended by the creation of this work. Battletech is owned by the company, but the fanbase is what keeps it alive. Let us hope they forgive us for what fun we have. Tex Talks Battletech is a semi-serious take on Battletech, its setting, lore, and history in an attempt to bring people into one of the greatest franchises ever envisioned and should not in any way represent the official stance of any corporation, conglomerate, megacorp, holding company, or cartel which currently owns the franchise.
TL;DR: this is the opinion of one guy who loves a setting, and is dead-set on bringing it to everyone who cares to hear about it.
DISCLAIMER:
TEX TALKS BATTLETECH is a fan-based parody/attempt at education for a setting that deserves much love. Battletech, Mechwarrior, and all other material are owned by CGL, Topps, Tornante, PGI, their various subsidiaries, and a million shareholders (though not harmony gold, fuck those guys). No challenge to their ownership status is being made or intended by the creation of this work. Battletech is owned by the company, but the fanbase is what keeps it alive. Let us hope they forgive us for what fun we have. Tex Talks Battletech is a semi-serious take on Battletech, its setting, lore, and history in an attempt to bring people into one of the greatest franchises ever envisioned and should not in any way represent the official stance of any corporation, conglomerate, megacorp, holding company, or cartel which currently owns the franchise.
TL;DR: this is the opinion of one guy who loves a setting, and is dead-set on bringing it to everyone who cares to hear about it. That’s why each and every one of these is tied to a charity. We want to associate Battletech, now and forever, with a spirit of giving, kindness, and good in an otherwise dreary world.
If you’re looking to buy Battletech game supplies or just general merch, Catalyst Game Labs are company to see. They have a Battletech section on their site for everything from plushies to counter tokens.
Another great resource for actually playing tabletop Battletech is Iron Wind Metals, who make great classic metal miniatures. Give them a look!
EldoniousRex's Art
MS Foundation
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SPECIAL THANKS TO Hadmar – for superb translation proof-reading
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In order of appearance:
- Moonshiner’s Turn – Martin Landström
- Tex Talks Battletech Theme – Kumakin
- Alligator Skies – Walt Adams
- With Tenacity – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Covert Affairs – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- The Atonement – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Enter the Realm of Shadows – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Rivers Run Red – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Beyond Measure – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Solarflares – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Arcaders – Ben Elson
- Dissemination – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- Aeternum – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- A little Higher (Instrumental) – Sture Zetterberg
- Drawn to You (Instrumental) – Vincent Vega
- Aeternum – Christoffer Moe Ditlevsen
- The Power of Rock – Jon Presstone
- Drawn to You (Instrumental) – Vincent Vega
- Komm, Süßer Tod – Kumakin
- Bolero Cover – Spunky
- I think I Was There – Emil Axelsson
- Eighties Bar of the Future – Humans Win
- 80 S Synthwave – Style da Kid
- Bolero Cover – Spunky
- P I N K B I K I N I – Kumakin
- Alligator Skies – Walt Adams
- Walkman FM – Lupus Nocte
- Granny Dance – Scoobadive
- Tex Talks Battletech More Big – Kumakin
- Bubble Bath – Medite
- Smash – Lupus Nocte
- The Night After Friday – Medite
- Cape Verdean Sun – Medite
- Time to Strut – Alexandra Woodward
- Don’t Snooze, Let Loose – Alexandra Woodward
- National Anthem Scotland – National Anthem Worx
- Stratosphere Voyage – Spirits Of Our Dreams
- And The Sky Shall Unfold 1 – Johannes Bornlöf
- Afternoon Swing 1 – Jonas Elander
- Freue Uns Alle – Trabant 33
- National Anthem Germany Accordion Version – National Anthem Worx
- Dark Synth Retrowave – Oleksandr Koltsov
- Motor Town Heartbeats 5 – Victor Olsson
- Return of the Hunchie – DJ Jason Skye
- Bolero Cover – Spunky
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