by Stormsong
It’s that time again folks. No, not a prostate exam. No, it’s not tax season either. N-no. No! Sweet mother of meat, is your life really so bad that that’s where your mind goes? I’m talking about Horsescopes™! Get your mind out of the gutter, you beast!
Anyways, it’s time for your future fortunes from me, the most trustworthy honse on this side of the sparkling river (which will still very much be our property). And remember, I am the authority on these subjects! My Associates Degree from Discount Dan’s Legally Distinct Devry University Adjacent Facility says so! I’m a master Astroliologist, so you can believe every word!
Remember, if you need to review your star signs, just reference the previous article of this series!
Aries – (March 21 – April 19)
It’s a well known fact that both your bark and bite are pretty bad and that you dive into things head first like a teenage protagonist in an anime. Hopefully that energy helps you with what happens next.
Now let’s see… Jupiter is in the orbit of Venus and the Pleiades are just aura-farming, which means… Your problem just got bigger. What problem, I cannot say, but it is just inflating like the cost of tea in Argentina. We recommend you think about what you did and prepare either an apology or a will. NEXT!!!!
Taurus – (April 20 – May 20)
Apparently they’re still making seasons of you, but I don’t know who’s watching. Maybe I’m just not the target audience. Do personalities have demographics? Anyways… Luna eclipsed Arcturisk, which is the most exciting part about talking to you thus far, so let’s see what that means…
Laugh now, you won’t get another chance. Well… that’s ominous. That and what it said for Aries… Maybe it’s a fluke. Two isn’t a pattern. Anyways, laugh now if you’re able because you won’t get another chance. For that matter, wait til you get home, ’cause that’s when your personality and your fortunes stop being boring…
Gemini – (May 21 – June 20)
K, let’s not kid ourselves, I did you dirty last time. It’s not bad to be the smart kid in class and understanding the cost of toys in eastern Europe probably has its uses. Just give one of us a chance to answer the question, please?
Anyways… The Pleiades are still arua-maxing, so now we observe Phoebus in tidal interlock with Damos… Ah, here we are. Live dangerously. I don’t know why, but safety is a threat to you today. Taking a chance will be your least risky proposition and the closer you are to danger the more certain you will be of the type of harm you receive. Don’t take chances. Go with the known quantity. Except… take a chance… Damnit this one hurts my head…
Cancer – (June 21 – July 22)
Seriously though, why is the star sign for nurturing and caring people called Cancer? Like either definition doesn’t work. You aren’t crabby or pinchy like crabs and you aren’t a metastasized cellular aberration out to ruin my liver, so why Cancer? I blame the ancients. Not just for that, but for a lot of things as well.
As for your fortune… Tonight you do battle at Taco Bell and many may die. Make sure you’re not among the pile of corpses that shall tumble aside like leaves upon the wind… As war may turn paradise into hell, so shall you turn Taco Bell to Waffle House. May our descendants forgive us.
Leo – (July 23 – August 22)
There you are, Mr. Inspiration! Look at you, Aura-Maxing like the Pleiades over here! Seriously, we could all learn a lot by taking a page from your book. God above, what is all that noise outside? Anyways, let’s get back to it.
Neptune is currently wearing Polaris like a hat, which means… Jupiter is in the orbit of Venus. But that was someone else’s reading. How does that… Oh… Oh that’s bad. Um… Oh… Oh SHIT!!!
(Note from the Editor: Horsescopes will continue after we finish evacuating Earth. If you are a Leo, try your best to save as many lives as you can. No cost is too high.)
Virgo – (August 23 – September 22)
Well, now that we’re all settled in on the escape ships and looking for a new home, we can try to get back to normal. Let’s see… Ah Virgo, that’s right… the nerd. Well, let’s see what you’ve got going on here. It appears that Uranus and Neptune are receding and it really doesn’t matter if Pluto is a planet anymore so…
Please disregard your previous Horoscope. That’s a new one. Sorry, these are going to start getting weird. I’m having to learn a new non-geocentric model of Astroliology, what with Jupiter launching Venus into Earth…
Libra – (September 23 – October 22)
Fair and balanced… Like I said before, it reminds me a bit too much of that one teacher, but I’m trying not to hold that against you. Let’s see what I can get. The far stars are still relatively normal to us, but the planets ain’t helping after this one. The Big Dipper is filling up…
You will die alone in a Waffle House tonight. Well… We aren’t anywhere near a cosmically feasible distance to a Waffle House right now, so I think you dodged a bullet on this one. Avoid the ship’s Taco Bell and take Halzikar with you just to be safe.
Scorpio – (October 23 – November 21)
I would like to thank you for your compassion. We needed it after what Leo did to save us. So many orphans… Anyways, your Horsescope for today is dependent on those funky asteroids we passed on the way.
It would be best to maintain a low profile for now. No matter what you hear them say, there is no sight ahead. Your Horsescope is irrelevant. I can hear the marching band. Saturn stands alone. You do not recognize the bodies in the water.
Sagittarius – (November 22 – December 21)
I could use your optimism right now. Scorpio won’t stop redacting our phone calls and everyone’s horsoscopes are turning out… not great. Meanwhile, the Pleiades are still just out there aura-farming and I’m stuck in here trying to remodel the entire field of astrology.
Your Horsescope? Are you sure you really want it? Fine… Relish the transitions in your life; they will happen regardless. Maybe we should join AndyVan on some of his Scream Therapy™.
Capricorn – (December 22 – January 19)
You still owe me a Juice Box. Don’t look at me like that. You’re big Mr. Leaderpants, aren’t you? Yeah, well Leo is nicer about it! I mean… He was. So many orphans… Fine, let’s get on with the fortune telling and the star reading.
You will step on a lego today. Huh… You know, I may have wished for it, but now I feel kind of bad about it. Like, those things hurt and they’re expensive. Seriously though, just one good Horsescope today?
Aquarius – (January 20 – February 18)
Look, while you were out there seizing evolution by the throat and making it give you what you wanted, the rest of us have been paying our bills. Couldn’t you innovate something to pay your fair share? Like, that couch is expensive. You can’t just surf on it for free forever.
Your Horsescope? Oh right. Well, Scorpio (the star sign) is pinching Sagittarius’s (the peoples’) cheeks like a nosy grandmother. Fortune not found… Abort, retry, or ignore? Um.. Retry… The stars say that you are not the favorite child… Um… wow… I’m sorry bud. I didn’t mean… Shit. No… no don’t worry about this month’s rent. Just…. have some hot cocoa…
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Now that we’ve taken care of that pesky restraining order and Taurus’s energies are back to normal, we can see what your bit of bad medicine today is. Seriously, I may want one good one today, but if you’re the only person getting a good fortune, I’m gonna be kind of mad.
Capricorns and Leos will vie for authority in the remnant fleet. Mankind will be put to the wheel and survival shall depend upon the will to break the ancients and their designs. You know… we should probably talk to Aquarius about that whole seizing evolution by the throat thing…
Well folks, that’s about all the time we have. I, the Zodiac reading hyper-sage, have delivered the most accurate Horsescopes™ I could muster, and hopefully you’ll be able to dodge the troubles ahead. Remember, regardless of the orphans, Leos rule and history will remember what side you chose. Now… Oh no… IT’S THE PLEIADES! THEIR AURA IS TO POWERFUL! WE MUST FLEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Storm Song is a musician, sound engineer, video editor, and Hussite revolutionary. Hailing from dry mountains near that wrong turn at Albuquerque, his name strikes fear into those who just want a moment of silence. Leave him an offering of sushi and he may just spare your eardrums!
